The 4 Communication Styles—and How Stress Changes the Way We Speak
When we’re calm, confident, and regulated, most of us communicate pretty effectively. But when we’re tired, hurt, overwhelmed, or feeling threatened, our communication often shifts—sometimes in ways we don’t even realize. This comes up frequently during divorce and other high-stress life transitions, where emotions are heightened and the stakes feel high. Understanding your communication style can help you recognize patterns, reduce conflict, and communicate more intentionally. Let’s look at the four primary communication styles and how they tend to show up when we’re not at our best.
1. Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication tends to take up a lot of space—physically and emotionally.
What it looks like:
Loud, intense tone
Strong facial expressions (scowling, glaring)
Large body posture
What it sounds like:
“You’re not listening to me.”
“Why do you make everything so hard?”
Sarcasm, threats, or bullying language
Impact on others:
People often feel afraid, humiliated, or defensive. Over time, they may avoid sharing information to prevent conflict.
2. Passive-Aggressive Communication
Passive-aggressive communication can be harder to spot because it often sounds pleasant on the surface—but the message underneath tells a different story.
What it looks like:
Sweet tone with mismatched words
Sarcasm, sulking, or indirect complaints
Friendly to someone’s face, critical behind their back
What it sounds like:
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of myself.”
“Just do whatever you want—you always do anyway.”
Impact on others:
This style often leaves people feeling confused, resentful, or unsure of what’s actually being asked.
3. Passive / Submissive Communication
This style prioritizes avoiding conflict—often at the cost of expressing needs or preferences.
What it looks like:
Minimal eye contact
Making yourself small
Apologizing frequently
What it sounds like:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Whatever you want is fine.”
“I didn’t want that anyway.”
Impact on others:
Others may feel frustrated or exasperated because they don’t know what you want. Over time, this can lead to resentment or feeling taken advantage of.
4. Assertive Communication (The Goal)
Assertive communication allows you to express yourself clearly without harming others.
What it looks like:
Open posture
Calm, steady voice
Respectful eye contact
What it sounds like:
“I understand your perspective, and I’d like to share another option.”
“I’m concerned about how this is going and would like to talk about changing it.”
Impact on others:
People feel safe, respected, and clear about where you stand. Even difficult conversations feel more manageable.
Why This Is Hard During Divorce
Under stress, our nervous systems are often activated, making it difficult to access assertive communication. Many people revert to their default style—or cycle through several when one isn’t working.
The key is awareness, not perfection.
Final Takeaway
Notice where you tend to land when you’re not in a good space. Then, focus on calming your nervous system before responding. Intentional communication takes practice—but it’s one of the most powerful tools you can use during stressful transitions.
