Why I Couldn’t Be a Therapist Anymore…

It's 2:30pm. It's time for Leah to arrive for her play therapy appointment. Leah is 6. Her mom usually brings her. I see mom swing into the parking lot. I watch out the window for a few minutes while mom gets out of the front seat, opens the back door, and begins her negotiations with Leah.

This is how it goes with Leah.

Sweet Leah.

Once Leah gets in the door to my office, I know we'll be good. She'll throw her arms around me, excited to be back in the therapy room.

But for now, the negotiations have begun. Mom is patient and kind. She is creative. She tries a bribe - "Leah don't you want to get ice cream later? If you walk in nicely, you can get ice cream later!"

Leah giggles, hides behind the seat, delighted to have mom's undivided attention.

When mom begins to lose patience, no longer offering ice cream, instead threatening to take away privileges: "Leah, if you don't get out of the car right now, you can't watch My Little Pony when we get home," Leah screams and kicks at mom.  

Let's zoom out for a moment.
………

Leah started having behavioral struggles about 6 months before this moment.

What was happening then?

Mom and Dad, who had historically maintained a pretty decent (although not terribly romantic or or intimate) relationship, decided to get divorced. They started out with intentions of doing this well. They didn't want to be mean to each other. They wanted to stay friends.

Moving along in the process, they each hired an attorney who (unbeknownst to them) had an ingrained worldview that inherently believes divorce is "US versus THEM."

Mom and Dad were each advised to protect themselves. They had each circled their wagons, became suspicious of each other. While they had started off in the fall speaking respectfully of each other and TO each other, by the spring, they could hardly be in the same room.

Leah not only moved from one household to two, but she saw her parents' relationship completely explode, right before her eyes. Everything that made her world safe … changed. Mom and Dad were so wrapped up in the pain of their divorce, they had a hard time responding well to Leah's pleas for nurturing.  The ground continued to shift under her feet. Leah's feelings of safety and security dissolved.

Did they mean to cause her harm? OF COURSE NOT. No parent means to cause their child harm. I firmly believe that every parent is doing the best they can with what they know at the time.

Leah's parents were entering into a legal situation, and when a legal expert tells you that you need to be suspicious and protect yourself… then that's what you're going to do. Your suspicion and fears will likely permeate into every interaction you have with that person. Even if that's the other parent of your child.

Along the way, Leah's behavior became really difficult to manage - both at home and at school. I coordinated with school to help manage - even going up to the school to see her sometimes.

…………

That afternoon, mom ended up bringing Leah into the office by carrying her in. Leah fought her, literally kicking and screaming, but she made it in.

Sure enough, once she was in the office, she did just fine. She was always happy once she made it into the building.

My job was to help mom and dad know how to support Leah. Know how to see what she needed in those moments. However, my influence could only go so far.

The divorce process (litigation) that they had been told was "the only way to go" caused them damage that I couldn't undo. At 10 years in… friends… I was exhausted. Too many families had come through my doors that had been damaged by the "traditional" litigation divorce process. Too many children had been stripped of the kindness and goodwill their parents shared. It felt like I was coming in too late… after the damage had been done. 

This is when I learned about Collaborative Divorce. I was introduced to it by a wonderful family law attorney in the Grand Rapids area, who believes deeply in the cause: helping families transition into 2 separate units, without destroying their relationships.

Y'all.

It was like the heavens opened up and sang to me. Clouds parted. The sun shone down directly upon me. I dove in, head first and haven't looked back. Collaborative Divorce is the only clinical work that I do. My Collaborative professional friends and colleagues are some of the most wonderful people I've met in my life. We have such shared values around respecting the dignity of the family, supporting children, allowing families to make their own choices, not threatening them with "what the court would do."

So that's why I don't do therapy anymore - I found something that is truly my calling. My passion. Something I think I'm built for.

And here's more good news - I can still refer kids and families who need therapy to any of the brilliant therapists I know in Texas or Michigan. I know tons of wonderful family law attorneys in Michigan and Texas who will truly take such good care of the families I come across. What a wonderful tribe!